'Til the Very End

The thought of going home so soon is bizarre to me on so many levels and last night in between stolen half-hours of fairly crap sleep, I thought about King’s Cross a lot and trains and how Dad bought the book for me when I was six because he loves trains so much and the lovely engine is on the cover of the book. And then I thought… imagine if they’d picked a different cover? That tiny little change. Would he have bought it anyway? 

The timing of all of this home stuff is absolutely unbelievable. It seems selfish to fit it into my personal timeline and I know that especially after Pottermore (largely because of the release dates), the end isn’t quite as finite in one sense as it was before. Still, I can’t help but correlate the life of this series with my childhood and with my relationship with my dad. The transience of everything really really scares me, and I know some things seem to be less transient (in no other day has it been more clear to me that I have an amazing group of people around me than today — thank you all, even those who don’t use the internet at all or just use it for cat videos) but all in all I feel like all of a sudden I’ve been thrust forward, as though someone’s tripped me up.

There’s a part of me that just wants to pick up a copy of Philosopher’s Stone and read but I think in all honesty that might be the worst thing I could do right now. The only occasion in which the words themselves aren’t helpful. I have to be calm to keep going and to be strong for the other people I care about. I’d be lying if I said I weren’t a little scared about how I’ll be able to enjoy the series in the same way now.   

In a way I don’t really know why/if I should write this here, but it feels like a hushed conversation with friends at the back of a pub and it feels safe. The other feeling of safety comes from just imagining those bright white lights of the King’s Cross chapter, the sound of the approaching train, that calm. I am so sad that my dad hasn’t seen the latest film, but I hope that if I think about it hard enough, I can make it real for him. To give him something easy as it is to board a train with old friends. x rhr

I never want to leave my house again unless I am: obtaining food, seeing Deathly Hallows again, or returning to the Royal Pacific where the entire fandom is waiting to welcome me home.

-jm

For the past few days since the premiere I’ve been feeling the way one feels when they’ve just broken up with their boyfriend. Except in this case, I feel like a girl who’s just broke up with the boy they’ve been seeing for almost fourteen years. It’s the end of a fucking marriage. You still love each other, you’ll see each other from time to time, you have the most amazing memories, but it’s the end, and you both have to accept that. It’s the end of the friends who know you as a couple and the world you built together. There are other parts of that world that will last but fundamentally, you two are over.

I’ve been doing very little more than moping around the house and staring blankly into space. Don’t worry, there’s no way I’m not going to throw myself into LeakyCon and have just the most amazing time, but in this quiet, lonely moment, I realise that it is over. Over in a way that ice cream and hanging out with the girls won’t fix. This period of my life is over and I have to step through the door into the new part.

This isn’t just breaking up with a boyfriend, this is breaking up with my first love. And goodness, it’s horrid.

-rhr x